you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
