Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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