u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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