I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
