I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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