Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
