I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
