Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
