i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Your dad touched me again.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
