apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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