I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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