i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
