Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
