Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
