There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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