But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize