Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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