i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
