connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you're hired as official boob wrangler
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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