i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
