I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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