dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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