worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
