Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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