So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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