i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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