I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
