I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
