There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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