if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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