Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
