He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
