Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
