does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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