My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
