Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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