So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
