New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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