So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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