I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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