Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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