Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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