3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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