she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
