Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
