I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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