I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
