I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
