you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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