Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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