Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
