I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
