Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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