I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just threw up on my dentist
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
