that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize