If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize