I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
