The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
