I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
